Sunday, 11 August 2013

How to be a Humberist

I am often asked, "O great and wise High Priest of Humbert, how may I be a good Humbertist? How will the Way of the Humbert grant me peace and joy and a bigger house?"
And I usually answer, let's take those in reverse order, for the sake of simplicity.
If you want a bigger house, you're in the wrong religion. Try Catholicism, or even the C of E. Humbertism, being in its early days since the Day of the Modest Suggestion (of which more later) is somewhat underfunded as religions go. Incidentally the Church (for want of a better word) of Humbert is always open to suggestions on how to rectify that issue. We're thinking of starting a line of Hairy Humbert© cushions. If anyone wants one we might make a start on that as soon as we have enough advance orders.
As for joy, well sadly Humbertism is all about disentanglement, and joyful things often involve entanglement. Having said that, if your joyful activities involve a great deal of entangling then the process of disentanglement can be proportionately satisfying. Sort of like a big game of Twister. But be aware that in engaging in entanging activities you are impeding Humbert in his Great Swim and delaying his rendezvous at the End Place.
Once again, having said that, remember that there are no articles of faith in Humbertism. Only assumptions. So you are therefore free to assume, for the duration of your entanglement, that the whole thing is nonsense. Of course that means that you are, for the time being, not a Humbertist at all, but that's fine as long as you assume it's all true again once you're done.
As for peace of mind, all that entangling and disentangling and assuming and unassuming probably is not going to help you much, so you're probably lumbered with either joy or peace of mind but not both.
However allow me to put in a word here for the Church of Anti-Humbert, whose basic assumption is that the world will come to an end when Humbert reaches his goal so we must do all we can to prevent it. Therefore the more we entangle the better. Thus you may have both joy and peace of mind, which is quite tempting now that I think about it.
I wouldn't normally publicise the assumptions of a competing Church, but they did offer an advance order of 50 Hairy Humbert© cushions. However I now find that I'm neither joyful nor peaceful, which will come as no surprise to anyone who knows me.

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

What is Humbertism?

HUMBERTISM is the philosophy of the followers of the Great Hairy Humbert.
Unlike most religions, Humbertism has no beliefs as such, only assumptions. To be a follower of Humbertism you must assume that Humbert exists, but you don't actually have to believe it.
The central assumption of Humbertism is that somewhere in this universe or another one, there is a planet called Humbertworld. Most, or possibly all, of the surface on Humbertworld is ocean, and through this ocean swims the Great Hairy Humbert, on a long - perhaps eternal - journey to only he knows where.
On the back of the Great Hairy Humbert are billions of hairs, and these hairs are prone to getting tangled up. The more tangled the hairs become, the more they interfere with Humbert's smooth passage through the ocean and slow his progress.
Over the aeons, Humbert's hairs have evolved a means of untangling themselves, thus aiding Humbert's progress.
Each hair has a mind of its own, dedicated to the sole task of remaining untangled from itself and its neighbouring hairs... but because this is a monotonous and shallow existence even for a sentient hair, they have also evolved a complex imaginary world which they all share. In this world, each hair sees itself as an an independent being, freely moving around a rich and varied world, living a complex life with all the adventures and joys and worries that such a life entails... but all his problems are merely metaphors for his true existence... when he thinks he is repairing a car engine, or dealing with a relationship crisis, or both at once, this is merely a manifestiation of his true problem - that of untangling himself from the hair next to him, in order to aid the swim of the Great Hairy Humbert.
The world as revealed by Humbertism tells us that all our problems and trials are relative, and thus truly unimportant. All of mankind's worries are solely to help Humbert on his mysterious eternal quest... which may, in turn, merely serve to aid the progress of a yet greater Humbert.
So whenever you feel disheartened by the seeming futiltity of Mankind's great struggle, simply reflect that it is of no true importance, because we are all but hairs on the back of the Great Hairy Humbert.
(If on the other hand, you're having a tough time yourself right this minute, obviously that's diffferent. Humbertism can't help you there.)