Wednesday, 9 February 2011

What is Humbertism?

HUMBERTISM is the philosophy of the followers of the Great Hairy Humbert.
Unlike most religions, Humbertism has no beliefs as such, only assumptions. To be a follower of Humbertism you must assume that Humbert exists, but you don't actually have to believe it.
The central assumption of Humbertism is that somewhere in this universe or another one, there is a planet called Humbertworld. Most, or possibly all, of the surface on Humbertworld is ocean, and through this ocean swims the Great Hairy Humbert, on a long - perhaps eternal - journey to only he knows where.
On the back of the Great Hairy Humbert are billions of hairs, and these hairs are prone to getting tangled up. The more tangled the hairs become, the more they interfere with Humbert's smooth passage through the ocean and slow his progress.
Over the aeons, Humbert's hairs have evolved a means of untangling themselves, thus aiding Humbert's progress.
Each hair has a mind of its own, dedicated to the sole task of remaining untangled from itself and its neighbouring hairs... but because this is a monotonous and shallow existence even for a sentient hair, they have also evolved a complex imaginary world which they all share. In this world, each hair sees itself as an an independent being, freely moving around a rich and varied world, living a complex life with all the adventures and joys and worries that such a life entails... but all his problems are merely metaphors for his true existence... when he thinks he is repairing a car engine, or dealing with a relationship crisis, or both at once, this is merely a manifestiation of his true problem - that of untangling himself from the hair next to him, in order to aid the swim of the Great Hairy Humbert.
The world as revealed by Humbertism tells us that all our problems and trials are relative, and thus truly unimportant. All of mankind's worries are solely to help Humbert on his mysterious eternal quest... which may, in turn, merely serve to aid the progress of a yet greater Humbert.
So whenever you feel disheartened by the seeming futiltity of Mankind's great struggle, simply reflect that it is of no true importance, because we are all but hairs on the back of the Great Hairy Humbert.
(If on the other hand, you're having a tough time yourself right this minute, obviously that's diffferent. Humbertism can't help you there.)


  1. Is there just the one big Humbert...or can you get smaller ones as pets/friends? Is there any Humbert merchandise?

  2. There is but one Humbert, whose back we are all but hairs upon. There may be other Humberts in the great ocean of Humbertworld but they might not be called Humbert, they might be called Eric or Malcolm or just about anything - however they are not our concern as we are not hairs on their backs, but only on Humbert's.
    No Humbert merchandise is currently available but this may be considered in the future. And no, you can't have a pet Humbert.

  3. Does Humbert ever need to get his hair cut?

  4. There is much theological speculation on this point. When tragedies strike our world, resulting in great loss of life, is this a reflection of random events in Humbertworld - Humbert brushing up against a reef perhaps - or should we blame the Great Humbert Hairdresser, who may be administering a grooming to Humbert when our own humble untangling efforts have been inadequate? Only Humbert knows. We assume.

  5. Thank you for answering my questions about Humbert and Humbertism.
    I asked about the hair cut as I wanted to recommend Pampered Pets on Holloway Road.

  6. This is of no use to Humbert as he lives on a different planet, a real one as opposed to our own imaginary one. This would be a bit like going to get your own hair cut in a place that only exists in the dreams of one of your own stomach bacteria. Either you have not been paying attention or you are not taking Humbertism seriously.